Tag Archives: raising daughters

Go and Live Your Life

I was raised in an era where the rules were, you get a job, get married, buy a house plus cars, have kids and that would be your life. You stayed together no matter what, for the sake of the kids, but ten years ago, I realized that wasn’t true and didn’t want my daughter to think it was the definition of adulthood or marriage. It was time to re-write, or maybe even burn the rule book.

My daughter watched me have two long distance relationships after my divorce and she in turn ventured long distance through two of her own. Today, she’s in love with someone locally and I’m thrilled she broke that cycle of traveling to the ends of the earth just to be loved.

What a terrible burden for children to bear-to know they are the reason their Mother stopped living. What a terrible burden for our daughters to bear-to know that if they choose to become Mothers, this will be their fate too. Because if we show them that being a martyr is the highest form of love, that is what they’ll become. They will feel obligated to love as well as their Mothers loved, after all. They will believe they have permission to live only as fully as their Mothers allowed themselves to live.

Untamed-Glennon Doyle

Since my daughter is living her own life, a lot of my responsibilities have been relinquished. It feels as if I’m standing in the middle of a blank canvas, paint brush in hand, but not knowing what color to start with. It doesn’t really matter what color to dip the paint brush in because getting paint to the canvas is what’s important. When God decides to call this woman home, I want my children to be left with colorful, splattered, and messy, but somewhat masterful pieces of art that tell the story of how vibrantly their mother lived the second half of her life.

As my daughter moved out she said many noteworthy things and I know she wouldn’t want me to stay put as if pausing my life just in case she needed me in hers. No, she would say, “Go and live your life.”

Feature Photo by Bella Huang on Unsplash

Chocolate and Hummus

My daughter is visiting Wednesday and by the time this is published that day will be here. It’s Tuesday morning, but not yet daylight as I sit and type. I woke up thinking about the pile of drafts on this site waiting for the light of day.

Sitting here at 6:30 a.m. it seems the drafts and I have similar interests…to see the light of day. The drafts are mainly titles and some have the makings of a blogpost already written on the page, but this one was merely a title. It was written last April and saved to drafts when my daughter still lived here. Chocolate and hummus were two things we kept readily available in this house.

They weren’t always there, but if not, they were easily accessible. A quick drive to the market would manifest chocolate and hummus into our home which made that day better in some way. My daughter’s happiness moment was a fresh container of hummus with Naan and mine was having some form of chocolate to snack on. Stepping into the kitchen I see the glass jar of chocolate almost empty and the hummus sitting in the fridge is about a week old and half eaten.

Seeing this title almost one year later I can surmise chocolate and hummus lost their footing in my solo life, but they were a mainstay in our life together. These two things brought comfort in knowing they were there and I wonder if she’ll look for them today? Taking a sweeping glance around the house it looks like a single woman/writer lives here with way too many books, but I hope it forever feels like home…with or without chocolate and hummus.

A Full Tank

Being a single Mom and financially stable, may not coexist at first, but it was the most rewarding season of my life. It’s been a long road, but rest assured the road will lead to greener pastures.

The journey of the single Mom offers a continual concern over money. We lived in the country and drove 30 minutes to the nearest grocery store. I’d become dependent on my truck’s gas gauge to be accurate and indicate when gas was needed, until that one time we ran out of gas. It’s unnerving to break down on a country road with your daughter, but we called for help and it came. That was the last time I depended on a gauge in my truck and from that day forward I kept at least half a tank of gas in him.

Time rolls by and you figure out how much you can spend each week. You ask for a raise at work and take side jobs for extra spending like Christmas and birthdays. You’ll pile pillows on the floor and lay down side by side only to stare at the ceiling fan. A conversation begins as light-hearted giggling, but becomes deeper until you realize your voices are now a whisper and tissues are needed. You’ll take turns cooking so they can be creative in the kitchen, knowing full well you’re going to clean up afterwards. Those are the most memorable meals.

Over time you make more money, or want fewer things, but somehow time and money line up. My truck has gone from having half a tank to a full tank, but he’s not the only one. My daughter grew into a young adult and moved into her own home this year, but thinking about everything we went through to get to this point has me writing this with a full tank.

Feature Photo by Reed Geiger on Unsplash

Reclaim the Fire

I snapped at a coworker. That’s not like me because I don’t typically relinquish my calm and lash out. An uncharacteristic move deserves a deeper look.

Discontentment has been hanging around for a bit. There’s weariness in staring at a screen. It was manageable with the one job I’ve had for years, but when I took on a second job this year, it’s became a lot. Both jobs require being online, but one more than the other. I’ve learned the skill of reigniting my flame when it grows dim, but sitting here today it feels I’m repeatedly using matches, and the box is almost empty.

When my daughter or I lose our spark where we are, we make a pro/con list. We list the reasons for staying (pro), and the reasons for leaving (con). This recently popped up in my Facebook memories.

“How do you know when you’ve outgrown that job, ministry and/or partnership? Here are 7 indicators that it may be time to move on. 1. You feel like your creativity is being stifled 2. You lack motivation for the thing that once motivated you and ignited your passions 3. You feel like it’s getting in the way of your true calling and purpose 4. You feel like you’re emotionally suffocating in that environment 5. What you offer isn’t utilized, valued or appreciated 6. You feel like you’ve maxed out on the growth, opportunities and/or resources that are available to you 7. You’ve prayed about it, and you feel a release to move forward These are not definite indicators, but they are certainly clues worth investigating.” David Burrus.

Of the seven things listed, six of them resonate. December is the month to examine and let go of what extinguishes our flame. Reclaim the fire.

Photo by Moodywalk on Unsplash

Get Disturbed

It’s refreshing to look back over your life and see how far you’ve come. My daughter will be 21 in August, but when we started this adventure, she was 13. I didn’t know what our new life looked like, but I did know, there had to better.

It was one of those agonizing moments of, Which will be worse? Staying where we are, or leaving?

The first part of making a new life for yourself is making a decision to do so. Once you decide, you can act. Are you disturbed with your life?

I was, but then I became complacent. There was the proverbial list of excuses for staying. Sometimes it’s easier to stay put, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy my darling. I had to let it disturb again. I had to let it bother me to the point of leaving.

Disturbed is not angry. Disturbed feels like a steady burden of unrest.

Is it time for a better life? Then it’s time to get disturbed.