I never imagined that something I love so much, such as a flower could spark so many painful memories, but every fall I avoid them like the plague. I haven’t picked up a pansy or planted any in my yard in over a decade because they were too painful to look at, until now.

I’ve written about my father having a magical way with plants, but I haven’t shared about my ex-husband’s gift with plants. We are originally from North Carolina and while there, he planted the most amazing gardens. (Flower and vegetable) I don’t think I’ll ever forget the trail of daylilies at the top of our backyard. He planted them in stages according to the plants bloom cycle, so when one bloomed out, the one planted next to it would start to bloom.

For fall and winter, he always planted pansies. One year he planted daffodil bulbs in the ground with pansies planted over top of them and when Spring arrived, the daffodils grew through the pansies. That was magical, but somewhere along the way, I equated pansies to disappointment and avoided them.

A friend from church texted me about planting Mums in each of the big planters in front of the building, and I responded, “That would be pretty.” Our front stoop in NC was filled with Mums this time of year and that house was my most favorite house ever. It’s where I got sober and had my daughter, so I was heartbroken when it came time to leave and move to Texas. I went to buy a couple of Mums for church and was greeted by the first shipment of pansies.

Standing in the midst of both was a lot, so I walked around the garden center for a minute to settle my emotions. I have forgiven my ex-husband for his part in our failed marriage and I wish him happiness. I’ve forgiven myself and believe God has forgiven me, but being surrounded by Mums and pansies broke loose that last little bit of disappointment buried deep in my soul and I saw the pansies in a new light. Forgiveness, letting go and loads of self-compassion.

I don’t know that I’ll ever have a yard full of pansies again, but I bought two for me and two for church to go with the mums, because even Martha Stewart knows, you can’t have mums without pansies.