The Cardinal Show

I sat down in front of my vintage typewriter, inserted a piece of paper, slid the power button to on and listened to the familiar hum. My hands resting atop the keys, I could feel the power in it’s vibration anticipating a story, but what started out delightful turned into agony about halfway through, so I stepped away.

Stepping away to stop using my words is a lifelong pattern, but I’m getting help with it. I’ve been seeing a therapist since June and during our most recent session she surprised me with, “Why do you believe your marriage ended in divorce?”

We are past the pleasantries of getting to know one another. She likes the Barb who sits in the swivel chair across from her and our sessions have been fun, but her job is to dig beneath the surface to reveal what brought me to that chair. I’m seeing her next week and it might not be fun. She asked that question at the end of our session and I became quiet trying to think of a good one liner to sum up the demise of 25 years with one man, but the only words that fell from my mouth were, “I got sober halfway through.”

My face went from white to red and the swivel chair stopped swiveling as I sat with my head bowed choking back tears. She tried to console me with, “Type A/driven men like your then husband gravitate toward a partner who is fun!” I chuckled and replied, “Oh yes, I was a lot of fun as long as I was drinking.” We hugged, said our goodbyes and I slipped out the door with, “See you in 2 weeks.”

The typewriter is holding a half written page filled with a memory I’d just as soon leave forgotten. It’s not pretty, which a lot of my life looked pretty on the outside, but my insides were burning. I stepped across the studio and caught a glimpse of the show outside the double windows. Sinking into the comfortable chair at the side of the desk I gazed out the windows at what seemed to be a show. Bright, red cardinals were lined up across the top of the fence waiting in line for their turn at the birdbath hanging from my gardening shed.

One Cardinal was drinking, but the males are territorial, so I knew only one at a time would be allowed to drink. I’ve never seen that many males lined up in a row and it was beautiful as one would leave for another to take it’s place. The page awaits for the rest of the story and today we can step away knowing we must return to release those imprisoned words, but after taking a minute to enjoy the cardinal show.