I’ve been taking my Marshall Bluetooth speaker outside with me in the morning to care for the yard. This is my birthday month and I become quiet and contemplative in October. Visions of my previous selves floated by as I sat on the deck.
Honestly, just thinking of all the past versions of myself and some of what I’ve been through it’s a miracle I’m alive and well. Did I make the best decisions? At the time they were what I needed, but there’s a few things I won’t do again. I don’t harbor any regret because that would be hard for the sober me and those choices brought me here.
When I first left my marriage of 23 years I was so broken, but really I’d started breaking long before I left. A decade has passed and the ex has remarried, but leaving him was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, beside Chemotherapy. My daughter and I haven’t found anything worse than Chemo and she was more than patient while I tried to figure out how to build a life for us solo. I stood on a pier surround by water and clung to God.
There was very little money, but we had each other, a house on 40 acres and everyday was an adventure. I still recall the concerned look on her face in the checkout at the grocery store wondering if we had enough money to cover the purchases. If we didn’t I’d start putting items back until we got it down to what we could afford. It was a relief when the day came that she could stop asking, “Do we have enough money?”
At the time, we had everything we needed, but once we moved into this little lake house, I became more serious about my work. It was the most rent I’d ever paid on my own, but I was determined to pay it on time. Rent has increased twice and I’ve asked for a raise twice, but I know in my heart if it ever goes up again, it’ll be time to move. This house is at it’s maximum rent price in my mind and I could buy a house for less.
That’s how God shows me it’s time to move, when the price goes out of reach and I’m at my maximum capacity for work. Sitting outside this morning and listening to music on this little speaker, I acknowledged God for bringing me through and making it possible to be sitting in this birthday month. The Bluetooth speaker was a frivolous purchase, but when you’re single you buy your own birthday presents.
This song here reminded me that I was never alone and He has answered every prayer. The speaker? Well, to that He whispered…”Barb, you obviously have more than enough.”
“More Than Enough” – North Point Worship, Lauren Lee (OFFICIAL LYRIC VIDEO)
Inbarbsworld 
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